什么叫爱情

亲情可贵。我妈病危，爸一直守护病床。直到知道时间不多了，她和妈妈道歉，表示这几十年做的不好的地方和脾气道歉。妈接受了，也和他道歉，表示抱歉没做好的地方。

几十年的怨偶，却总是形影不离，嘴上吵，心里爱。到了这一刻放下一切，为了让彼此在没有彼此的将来过的好一些。

这就是真爱。情人节快乐爸妈，谢谢你们教会我的一切。

cherish the moment

It is not easy to manage work and family matters. Had a discussion with the doc and his team this morning before heading to work. Informed my boss in newzeland I might be late but will be joining the meeting due to the discussion. When I join into team.. my boss and colleague asked me how was my mum, and without thinking I answered back that she was reaching her last stage. Trust me.. the immediate awkwardness for a good 3 sec until I broke the silence and asked them not to worry and started talking about other stuff.

Anyway work was fine but i couldnt really fully commit now... too many things in my mind regarding to what the doc mentioned about when we can or rather when is the right time we can bring my mum back home. We had another palliative care doc spoke to us in the evening. I appreciated the concern Dr Koh had regarding our thoughts on when to bring my mum home, every family is different but most important is everyone find that comfort that they need.

Managed to control my emotion pretty well today and step up during the 2 discussion with both doctors. At this stage, nothing is more important than my well being or mum and dad.. nothing else..

While I was alone in the high dependency ward with mum.. she casually made a remark " 人生就这么过完了‘’ It really hit me hard, it was so true.... we live our whole life not knowing when it will end ome day..Maybe tonight maybe 20 30 years.

One thing for sure. We live each day being responsible to ourselves. Mum is puting up a strong fight, she does her workout for legs and hands and tried to eat as much as she can to gain energy.. doing all these because she believe it will make the ending part less pain.

I am not too whats the next move. But I only knowing clock is counting and we need to stay focus and spend more time with her

Deep thoughts

 Cant believe it has been almost 11years since i wrote anything. When I started writing my first blog I was only 19 or 20. Here I am already in my 40s.

To be honest, life were so much easier back then. The past 20yrs or more... lots of up and down, mostly up though. I have 2 adorable sons and a very responsible wife. A caring mum and dad whom are also great grandparents to my kids. I thought this simple happiness can be forever (At least I thought so).

Never thought I will be searching for a private place to write this one day. As a father and husband, I need to put on a strong front at times... always having the strong shoulders which they can count on.

But I am scare... I am really hurt... seeing my mum's condition and knowing she will probably leaving us soon. I am not ready to accept it. There is so much I wanted to say and so many more stuff which I wanted to do with her... but at the same time, I do not hope for her to worry for us... I hope she find her inner peace... As a Buddhist, for the first time wondering if life after death is real. 

I have no words for the pain I am feeling. 13yrs ago I lost my beloved grandma, a few years later I lost my beloved "big brother" before Covid year. I know this day will come one day as we all will age and die... just not so soon...

I love you mum. I wish I can tell you now how much I love you and how much pain I am feeling seeing you everyday now. But guess I can only hide it in my heart. I hope you can feel the love and know your son really really love you.